THE BOTTOM LINE
Updated 6/3/08
Marathons are for Idiots
Have you ever done twenty push ups and then looked in the mirror the next morning and thought that you suddenly looked "ripped?" Have your legs ever felt really sore after a long drive and you thought it was just as good as going to the gym? Have you ever run two miles without dying and then thought that you could finish a marathon? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then the next seven hundred words are just for you.
I used to exercise a lot. I was a member of a gym....and actually went. I would run three miles at a clip without vomiting a single time. I was actually one of those guys who bought body building magazines and thought, if I just did another ten reps, I could look like that some day.
Well, now I am thirty nine years old and those days are firmly (pun fully intended) behind me. I know this because I recently decided to train for and run a marathon. Yes. Looking back on the idea, I am having the same reaction that you are now.
I suppose it was not a good start that I first got my idea to run a marathon while drunk. After a few cocktails I thought, "I could run a marathon." After all, there are all these stories about 80 year old guys running their 75th marathon and guys pushing their paralyzed wives in wheelchairs for the whole course. How hard could it be? Of course, the answer is: very, very hard.
There are many people who put "run a marathon" in a prominent spot on their bucket list. This phrase is, of course, a reference to the recent Jack Nicholson movie in which he makes a list of things to do before he dies. Let me tell you that if you put "run a marathon" on your bucket list, be sure it is the last item on there. This is because there is a very good chance that you may die either during, or immediately following, the event. Unless you are me, then it may happen during training for the event, which is even less satisfying.
I mentioned earlier that I used to exercise a lot. I don’t bring that up a second time to brag. I bring it up a second time to underscore exactly how out of shape I was at the time I decided to run this marathon.
In case you are wondering if you are in the proper physical condition to run a marathon, please review the following:
You are not in shape if have ever done any of the following:
Gotten up out of bed and pulled a back muscle.
Thrown a pillow at the light switch to turn it off rather than get up a walk across the room
Thought that using "lite" pancake syrup instead of regular syrup was "cutting back"
I know this because I did all three in the week leading up to my decision to run. But I digress.
If you have never run a marathon, and you get the bug to run one, let me offer you one piece of advice: Try to run first and THEN pay your entry fee. In my case, I thought it would be good motivation to pay the fee AND THEN start training.
The next morning after paying my entry fee, I woke up feeling pretty proud of myself. I went out and bought a brand new pair of running shoes. I bought a sweatproof watch to keep track of my "minutes per mile." I bought a stretchy, velcro belt with water bottle attached. I loaded and charged my iPod with "motivational" running tunes. I even downloaded an official training program from the internet that would give me an every day schedule of what to do so that my body would be a perfectly tuned instrument on race day. I was ready to go.
My first day was supposed to be a three mile run. The weather was perfect. Cool, but not cold. Still daylight, so I wouldn’t get run over by a car. Two and a half months before the race. Plenty of time.
I laced up my new shoes. I filled my new water bottle. I secured my headphones and set the perfect volume for my new iTunes "running" catalogue. I set out.
The first few steps were cake. It was like running on a trampoline. My strides were strong and my confidence was high. The music was driving me to be the best runner I could be. Then it happened.
At the one and a half mile mark, an invisible midget ran up to me and whacked me in the leg with a tire iron. I don’t have anything against midgets. Some of my best friends are midgets (Hi Chad). But this one was a bastard.
Of course, I am just assuming it was an invisible midget because there is no other explanation for the sudden, searing pain in my right calf that sent me tumbling to the ground so early in my training. Sure, a "doctor" may call it plantar fascitis, but I know the true story. Midgets hate it when I reach my goals.
So now the marathon day has come and gone. I watched it pass with an ice pack on my calf.
What did I learn? The bottom line is that time is a one way road. There are always cars coming up behind you so you can’t stop and you can’t back up. You just have to keep moving forward to the exit, enjoy the ride and pray that you don’t run out of gas before your destination.
Now, can someone please help me up off the couch? My rum and coke is empty and this glass isn’t going to fill itself. Two more of these and I’ll be ready to sign up for next year’s race.
- Archived Bottom Lines (coming soon)